Albert Camus’ “The Stranger”and my coding journey : in search of inclusivity but ended up in bad faith
**SPOILERS ALERT**
In one of Albert Camus’ masterpieces The Stranger (1942), Meursault the protagonist murdered a man and had to go on a trial. However, it was not the murder or his motives that were the focus of the trial, but his strange behaviors that did not conform to society’s norms such as not crying at his mother’s funeral, watching a comedy film with his lover not long after his mother’s death etc.
What struck me was that being an outsider/a stranger can be dangerous.
I moved to Stockholm from Bangkok in 2017, the same year as my graduation from university. First thing I put a great effort into was to integrate into the Swedish society and the best way to do that was to get a job. I strongly believed a job would solve all my problems.
I found a job after 2 months, a really good one! Most of my friends in Sweden (I’m sure these are life-long friendships at least for me) I made through this job but I still felt unhappy. I could not point my finger at what the issue was at that time. I quit that job, jumped into another one, applied for an education, quit and jumped into another. I lived with regrets having studied liberal arts. I wanted to prove myself (to who? and to be honest who cares?) as a Thai woman with higher education living abroad.
Not mastering the Swedish language narrowed down my options when it comes to having a career that I like, let alone my degree in arts.
When I was at my first and second job in support, I felt very excluded from the whole company. It felt like the engineers were making concrete and huge impact and I was just sitting there killing tickets. (Note the past tense, I grew up now! Live and learn am I right?) I realized some of it was just in my head.
I needed to code! I wanted to earn respect. I wanted to be included in this cool tech community. I thought it was my only option to make it.
Getting out of being the outsider is the reason why I try to become a frontend developer in Stockholm?
Yes. Am I now an insider in the Stockholm tech circle or in the Swedish society now? No
And I will always be the outsider. I’m not bitter, I’m just stating fact here. Don’t get me wrong, I feel a great sense of belonging and great support from people around me in Sweden but I’m and will always be the outsider! Imaging moving to a new country as an adult. I have no friends I grew up with nor family here. I will always be Thai and I will always be judged (not because I’m Thai but human 🙂). So why make this such a big deal to myself?
I thought that it was this hyper-science-based, rational, engineering-mindset-driven society that made me feel alienated because I’m not an engineer. (In this context, I mean Stockholm. However Stockholm has rich culture and art scenes too). Jumping into tech will not solve this feeling of alienation.
Bad faith/mauvaise fois (FR) /självbedrägeri (SV) ?
Yes and no.
Yes because I thought entering the tech world (like almost everyone else) will make me feel less alienated. For those who simply want a well-paying and secure job for financial security, then that’s not bad faith. It’s a super solid decision that will help them achieve that goal for a software developer earns good salary in Sweden and the job is secured due to a shortage of developers.
It’s bad faith for me because I wanted to chase inclusivity, social status and respect. I just didn’t want to be like Meursault…
But let’s take a closer look at this character. He is not really bothered by anything (except the heat obviously).
Why do inclusivity, social status and respect matter this much to me? The answer would be because I thought they should come from others but now I realized I should start within me, start from respecting myself and my artistic soul. Even I myself thought emotions were bad, that’s why I will never earn respect. I don’t even respect myself and my dominant personality traits in the first place.
I already explained the yes, now the no. Why is this not 100% bad faith? There’re actually real, solid-as-rocks and concrete reasons behind this decision.
Rational ways of looking at my choice to code
Well, while life can be absurd and maybe coding is one of the absurdity that occurred in my life, I accept the trials-and-errors way of living life. I wanted to try coding. To be honest, I actually like it but I also like other things. The world doesn’t need to be that binary — it’s not about engineers vs non engineers, sciences vs arts or support vs product right?
What are my needs? This is the most rational question I sometimes forgot to ask myself. I need a job (like most people)! I’ll continue to work hard for the purpose of wanting to keep myself challenged.
Coding seems to serve that purpose. I’m already sitting 9 hours a day trying to solve code problems without being passionate about it. I’m passionate about writing but I barely write…
However, I won’t let a job, any job including software developer be a means to an end. No jobs will define me and that’s exactly the heart of existentialism!!!
In L’Étranger context, the unwritten definition of being a human is that one needs to cry at his/her mother’s funeral. Meursault did not cry at his mother’s funeral and that’s why he failed at being human.
People defines things all the time. With objects/things, definitions usually work. A pen should have ink. A knife should be sharp. The problem is when we try to define ourselves — humans — how? Why should what I do for a living define me?
Now that I have written down all my reflections, I can see things clearer and understand myself better why I did what I did.
